I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
