I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
