yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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