Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
