Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
