Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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