that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
