she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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