A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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