i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize