I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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