Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
