I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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