by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
