after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
