your parents love me but you hate me
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I AM VODKA MAN
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
