There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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