Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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