I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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