well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
