Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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