I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
