I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
