I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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