I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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