my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Randomize
