Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
