her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
