This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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