I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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