Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
