new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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