Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
