Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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