Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
