No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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