Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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