i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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