If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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