she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I love having hate sex.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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