Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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