i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
