My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Where is the hickey?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Randomize
