So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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