Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
