I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
smell my finger.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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