The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
