I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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