ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
