There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
