Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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