my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
cat food counts as protein by the way
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
