why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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