so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize