i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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