The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We are all done wearing pants today
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
