Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
