It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
