I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
