Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
